Does your toddler ever annoy you or make you frustrated? It’s okay (and totally normal) if your answer is, “OMG, Yes!” Toddlerhood is not easy, and my heart goes out to all parents navigating toddlerhood right now. Despite the challenges that toddlerhood presents, when you choose to keep your cool, you can enjoy your child and come out on the other side with a close and meaningful relationship.
Researchers have found that when parents respond positively to negative behaviors, they tend to experience less stress, and their children develop higher emotional intelligence, compared to parents who respond negatively. In other words, when you keep your cool, you and your children benefit.
In this article, I share the four most effective ways to keep your cool, and respond positively, when experiencing the frustrations of toddlerhood.
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1.Understand the Behavior.
Toddlers are notorious for pushing parents’ buttons, testing limits and breaking rules. It’s what they are programmed to do. Remember that toddlers are experiencing situations for the first time. They are learning how to express their emotions, understand the emotions of others, and see things from another’s perspective. Toddlers are bound to lose their temper, struggle with communication, and need to hear rules and expectations multiple times before they stick.
Many parents have shared that when they were ready for their toddler’s negative behavior, and understood where the behavior was coming from, it didn’t frustrate them as much. You can be ready for your toddler’s negative behavior when you know his or her developmental level, and what specific things or situations trigger the behaviors.
2. Recognize Your Limit.
Parents tend to become frustrated more easily when they are tired, busy, or stressed. Being mindful of your own mindset and stress level can have a major impact on your reaction to your toddler’s behavior.
Be sure to make time for yourself and complete activities that calm you. Prioritize your free-time, and take advantage of opportunities to complete personal tasks when your child is sleeping or with another caregiver. If your personal time is interrupted (as it always is), be mindful that your time was interrupted, but can still be continued later. Take care of yourself and practice routine self-care to ensure you are mentally and emotionally capable to take on the daily dose of toddlerhood.
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3. Respond with Empathy.
Toddlerhood is inevitable. No matter how hard to you try, there will be days when your toddler won’t listen, refuses to cooperate, hits or yells at you. Again, it’s what they are programmed to do. In those moments, you must demonstrate the positive (emotionally intelligent) way to respond. A lot of the time it may feel like you’re “letting the behavior slide,” but actually you’re teaching your child how to respond positively to a negative situation.
An emotionally intelligent response would consist of you remaining calm, talking through the situation with your child, labeling any emotions that are expressed, and helping your child formulate a solution.
EXAMPLE
Situation: Your toddler refuses to use the potty. You walk your toddler to the potty, and he drops down and cries on the bathroom floor.
Response: Sit on the floor near your child, and in a calm nurturing tone, label emotions “I understand that you are frustrated and do not want to use the potty, but remember we have to use the potty to keep our underwear dry.”
Talk through the situation “Why don’t you want to use the potty?”
Give child time to respond and help formulate a solution “Your toys are waiting for you to come back and play. As soon as you go potty, you can go back and play with them. Do you want to potty reeeally fast, so you can go back?”
[wait for response] “Okay, let’s go potty reeeally fast. Put all of your pee pee in the potty, and then you can go back.”
4. Withdraw.
Sometimes the best thing to do is step away from the situation. Some days your limit may have already been pushed by work or your partner. To avoid responding with negativity, ensure that your toddler is in a safe space and give yourself time to cool down.
During your cool down, I want you to refer back to the thoughts of L.R. Knost and Lawrence J. Cohen.
“Many believe that parenting is about controlling children's behavior and training them to act like adults. I believe that parenting is about controlling my own behavior and acting like an adult myself. Children learn what they live and live what they learn.”
“Young children also play to learn about the world. Why aren't we amused when our toddler drops her food off the high chair for the hundredth time? Because we know about gravity (and we have to clean it up). She, however, is extremely amused, because everything about the universe is new and interesting and open to playful discovery.”
“The moment you realize that you aren't creating a cut-and-paste version of yourself, but rather nurturing a stunningly unique individual with thoughts and feelings and hopes and fears and opinions and preferences and plans and interests of their own is the moment parenting becomes an adventure instead of a challenge. It's a simple shift in perspective that creates a world of difference.”
