**Beneficial for parents with children ages 18m-18yr.
What are tantrums and what causes them?
An official definition of tantrum is “an uncontrolled outburst of anger and frustration, typically in a young child (Oxford English Dictionary).” Tantrums are common between the ages of 18m-4yrs. During a tantrum, also referred to as a meltdown, children can cry, scream, collapse their bodies, hit, throw items, ball up, and/or roll around.
Tantrums are often caused by a child’s lack of communication skills, which leads to feelings of frustration and anger. Researchers have found that most tantrums stemmed from the child’s failed attempt to communicate a want or need, resulting in extreme frustration (a tantrum).
Are tantrums and power struggles the same?
For parents with pre-teens and teens – have you ever asked your child to do something, and they give you “that look” and either continue what they were doing or leave the room? That is a perfect example of a power struggle.
Tantrums and power struggles have many similarities and differences. The main difference between tantrums and power struggles are that tantrums involve a child communicating their frustrations through emotions, while power struggles involve a child communicating their frustrations through rebellion.
Both tantrums and power struggles stem from lack of communication or miscommunication. When an older child does not feel like they are understood or heard, they are more likely to rebel (a power struggle).
How to avoid tantrums and power struggles.
So, how do we avoid tantrums and power struggles with our children? You may have figured it out by now – COMMUNICATION IS KEY. From birth to old age, communication is how we function. We literally need communication to survive (mentally).
Here are some specific things that you can do with any age – toddler, big kid, or teen – to avoid tantrums and power struggles.
You shouldn’t want to be your children’s friend, but you should want your children to feel comfortable talking to you about their experiences and issues and expressing themselves. You can do this by providing a nurturing environment (responding to cues, asking about their day, creating a safe space free of judgement where they can ask questions or share issues or concerns, and most importantly – allowing your children to make mistakes).
When you are aware of what upsets your children, you can eliminate or alternate these triggers to avoid frustration. Ex. If you notice that your toddler gets frustrated when he is tired, you can avoid a tantrum by ensuring that he eats dinner and starts his bedtime routine on time each night.
As the parent, you are the first teacher. You have the greatest impact on your child’s development. So, it is crucial for you to model appropriate behaviors. When you model appropriate communication skills, you’re making an effort to engage in effective communication with your child AND you’re teaching your child how to effectively communicate with you and others.
Listening is such a major part of communication. This includes listening to your children’s words, as well as their body language and nonverbal cues. When you consciously listen to your children, you are able to better understand their needs and wants and even anticipate their frustrations. Responding to their words and non verbal cues are just as important. When you respond to your children, that parent-child relationship is strengthened. Your children are less likely to get frustrated, because they are conditioned to you providing a response.
When you offer power opportunities, you allow your child to experience independence and control. Children need opportunities to feel powerful, because there are so many things they are not able to control. Allowing your toddler to pick out her shoes or make her own snack are great examples of power opportunities. Allowing your teen to set a reasonable curfew or determine the amount of time that he can talk on his cellphone on weeknights are great examples of power opportunities.
How to resolve tantrums and power struggles.
Some times we cannot avoid a tantrum or power struggle – It happens to the best of us. When you and your child experience a tantrum or power struggle, there are some effective methods that you can implement to resolve the situation.
Remember, you are the adult. You are responsible for setting an example for the child. So, it’s counterproductive if you get upset. This will only intensify the situation. Believe me, I know it’s hard! But like any good thing, it’s worth the work.
You want to get to the root of the issue. So, communicate in a way that will make your child feel comfortable and supported. For toddlers and big kids, you can calmly ask, “Why are you upset?” or “What happened?” For pre-teens and teens, you can ask “What do you want (or need) to talk about?” or “What is bothering you?”. I highly recommend that you ask pre-teens and teens open-ended questions. If you ask “yes” or “no” questions, your child will definitely give a yes or no answer.
This one is more so for toddlers. When you redirect, you take attention away from the current situation and put it on something else. Because tantrums are uncontrollable for toddlers, redirecting their attention is a productive way to resolve a situation. I would not recommend redirecting for big kids, pre-teens or teens, because this would just push the situation “under the rug” and force it to resurface later.
Let me start by saying that allowing your child to step away from the situation does not mean that your child has won. There is no winning or losing in a parent-child relationship. Most people do not like to be held down or hovered over when they are frustrated. The same goes for children (especially pre-teens and teens). If your child is not responding to your attempt to calm her down or communicate, then give her some space. She is likely to come back around when things calm down (she may not say anything, but she will be there). This is when you can try communicating again. By allowing your big kid, pre-teen, or teen to step away from the situation, you encourage the development of their emotional intelligence and their ability to self-regulate and process their emotions.
